I can still feel my heart

I don't know what I can become. I don't know how to fix this. I know that I still love you. I know what true love is. I know that it is blind. I know that it's not fair. I know that you deserved it. But I know that you weren't worthy of it. I know that I prayed thank you daily. I know that no one listened.

No one will know the time. Like a thief in the night it will surprise. To witness love is to feel the pain. Because the love in my heart can be seen in the joy of others. It's a pain of loss that never diminishes. It hurts. It's inconsolable. This is anguish from everywhere and nowhere. This is crying out into the night. This is singing out loud to quiet the cold silence. This is suffocating in the mountain air. This is crying after the drying of tears. This is the poverty in a gold vault. This is the king of pain.

Never naive. Never simplistic. Never without thought. Never without reason. Never without heart. Never without a certain skill. Never too proud. Never what you thought. Never what you wanted. Never believed to be more than any of you could imagine.

A conundrum. How can I seek forgiveness for something I've never done? How can you commit to someone without respecting commitment? How can you sacrifice when you don't lose anything? How can you understand if you don't believe? How can the sun rise if it never shined on you? How can you, can?

You don't get with this, and you don't know about that, you make your decisions without the facts. You don't truly create, but you sure can hate, your hearts never at risk you never take. The answer to it all is on the tip of my tongue, the meaning of all, the meaning of fun. One day I'll stop writing, my battles all done, one day I'll sit my time in the Sun.

I know but I don't know what this all means. So many people and places I've seen. Things that have meant so much. Little things. Overlooked things. I've seen so many of the things that's fall through the cracks. The discarded things. The needed and yet unwanted things. They are the most beautiful because they are unseen. The most purest of hearts because they want to have a heart. I can live for thousands but I can't die for one.

I know what love is because I know I still love her. I know I still love her so I know what pain is. Because I've been in pain I know that I'm forgotten. Because my nights are restless I know that I'm not chosen. Because mankind only has an illusion of humanity I know that I'm lost.

~~~~~~~

I may one-day fly above the clouds. I may one day kiss the sky that I watched from below. I may one day embrace the rays of the Sun and receive a life that I've given. I may one day live again.