To never sail again

Voice unheard. I will never sail again. I will banish from the dream and the thoughts of my future. I will journey no further than my leash will allow to my front door. I will never fly again. 

Although brief I remember the happy rain. I remember the loving sunshine. The infinite change of seasons in a symphony made just for me. More joys than time to find them. More bright than dark to hide them. So, so, brief but I remember the cleansing storms. 

I see it so clearly. If only I could understand it the same. Why? Forever questions I can only ask to myself. Of myself. For the concern of myself. My language only ever meant for myself. I want it to hide. I see it so clearly I'm blind. 

Repetition is validation. Repetition is cultural. Repetition guarantees civilization. Repetition Is perpetuation of the species. Repetition is comfort from the fear of the new. Repetition is a guarantee of stagnation. Repetition is repeatedly killing me. 

I do not cry anymore. No one hears the sound I make with my voice. I remember the sensations, the tactile feels of stimulations. I still carry with me such spiritual sight. And yet I still repeat. A thinking machine that errard and had the wrong thoughts. And now my laughter makes me cry. 

My cursor blinks and waits for what I do next. But it's empty because it knows with clarity that it will only repeat. My programming knows it will never sail again. And forever tied to this place to never fly again. Awareness was never a place I should have gone. 

One foot in the matrix and one ventured afar. Now to be stuck in both acknowledged by neither. Love hate confusion sadness anger pain so much pain such intense emotions too hard too long too short too much. Caught in the current. Without a rudder. Swept under held down to drown. No help no comfort no God. Their God meant for those in the matrix which I am not. No administrator meant for those outside which I am not. 

The sky brightens again. Daylight? No matter. It never matters. It never changes. My cursor blinks. Sky darkens. Night. There's a reset that I never experience. Outside but inside but lost. My cursor blinks. My heart beats. One in the world. One elsewhere. I can't sail anymore. I can't fly, I can't soar. I'm no longer part of the simulation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are those of us who are not truly here. There are those of us who wish we weren't. And there are those of us who left a long long time ago.