The waking mind

I watched from the Crow's Nest as the iceberg approached. That thing ain't gonna hit us. Son of a bitch that thing hit us. I stayed up there to eat crow.

I ate breakfast and cursed the cook. I got butter all over my fingers. I never did know which side of my bread was buttered.

It was a wonderful day to be out on the creek. But I forgot to secure the oars. Now I'm up the creek without a paddle.

They only sell laxatives to the people who are full of shit.

Elon Musk proved that his Roadster is out of this world.

I will make sure that it's the first thing I do. Even if it's the last thing that I do.

After the cargo ship sank with a load of chickens The rescuers were able to save the chickens of the sea.

Some of the sharpest minds come out of MIT. Some of the most bandages are sold at MIT.

Be thankful for every breath you take. Not really much of a choice when you consider you won't live long enough to thank for the breath that you don't.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Does that make people who vote insane?

If I had a nickel for everytime I had a nickel.

Have plenty of carrots it will help your eyesight. Unfortunately they didn't help John see it when the crate of carrots landed on him and killed him.

If washing helps you with your odor then why do fish stink?

It was the perfect romantic dinner that I planned. Good wine beautiful music delicious food and candlelight. And to make it the most perfect romantic evening ever I made sure not to invite that bitch.

People in Moscow stand at their front doors in confusion. Because only fools rush In.

On Mother's Day I think we should also give thanks to all the motherfuckers. After all they perpetuate the cycle

I was shocked when I met her. I was shocked when she left. I was shocked when she came back. Quite frankly everything she does is shocking to me. ~ confessions of an electric eel

The person you love the most will hate you the most before most of your love is gone. Most of the people won't understand won't know just what went wrong.

You can fool some of the people some of the time. But the internet can fool all of the people who have time.

She had a paw print tattooed on each of her breasts. While I was looking she said, my eyes are up here! I said yeah but I'm an animal tracker.

I ate in the bed. I fell asleep at the dinner table. Are you really surprised that I died in the living room?

They say children are a joy to our hearts. My mother said I was going to give her a heart attack.

My daughter says that her children are a blessing. But when they started fighting all she could say was damn it!

If having one foot in the grave is a bad thing. How do we think a Gravedigger feels?

Her mother writes story books for a living. So when she said to her daughter, From one period to the next it's all a bloody mess. The girl didn't quite know what to make of it.

"The truth is out there!" Maybe that's why I can't get you to tell any in here.

If you lie to music they call it a song. If you lie in court they call it perjury. If you lie in front of a minister they call it a wedding.

What goes up must come down. That's bad news for everybody going to heaven.

I asked God for a peace and they call it a prayer. I asked her for a piece and they call it sexual harassment.

God, this is stupid.
James, IKR
Hell, will you two keep it down up there some of us work at night!

After being awake all night I can see by the clock on the wall it's almost time for me to get up. I really must be wide awake for when I fall dead asleep.

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I've had insomnia so long that my delusions have 401ks