Happy Thanksgiving?

Nat King Cole was a very good soul. And a very good soul was he. 

In a fantasy land, he offered his hand. On that day that he met me grand.

A very strange enchanted boy. One might even say a peculiar fellow. Oh, the things that he believed. Oh, the lands that he did see. Oh, the wonderful things he learned just to come share them with me.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

But what if there's no return?

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First off you have to remember having kids don't count.

Until I met her and it goes all the way back to when we were teenagers I never felt like anybody gave more than two shits about me.

Finding each other years later or should I say decades later was a godsend for me and by what she wrote and said for her too. I went above and beyond and tried to never mess that up. I never took it for granted. I never forgot to say thank you in prayers and in person. I never regretted it for a moment. I never let any moment of anger betray my words or actions. Not even at the end.

This one thing was mine. Not my biological creation but my choice. And I was utterly devoted to that choice . What's more is that it seemed to be hers too. I didn't assume it, that's what she wrote. That's what she said. That seemed to be how she acted.

I can never apologize because I never did anything. I can never say that I assumed because I have her words. Even videos. I can never fix it because it was never broken. It was never an It. What it was for me never truly existed. It was like feeling a phantom limb that wasn't truly there.

Every night, every nightmare permeates the everlasting 3 essential states of being:

I don't. I never did. And I don't want to.

This is my Thanksgiving. This is my eternity. This is the weight that presses on my shoulders. And for as long as I have memory this is the data that stays in my bank of memory.

It would seem that I am thrust back into what life was before. But this time not even a semblance of happiness, of completeness, belonging anywhere. What seems to be fate colluded together to ensure there will be no happiness. If reincarnation is a thing, then how bad was I before to deserve this?

To be overlooked by every bright light. By every soft thing. By every gentle breeze and sweet smell. To know that this message in it's electronic bottle will never reach a sympathetic shore. To know I will never have the answers.

These words will never be read by the eyes that they were written for. They will never be pumped through the heart that they bled for. There will never be a ever for this never.

The only one who's tried was nuts and I guess now so am I.

It was real for me. It was salvation for me. It was my choice... it was a lie and it was my Thanksgiving and this was the season this lesson was given to me. 

I'm no victim. It was a choice and it was a wrong one. I don't have the strength to hate. But I do. I don't have the tears to cry. But I do. The pain has driven me to the end of my journey of madness. And so I am.

So now, where's the knife it's time to carve this turkey!