What is it?

I have wanted something so long, so strongly, with all my heart, that I can no longer remember how to pronounce it. 

I know what it is. But it's as if my tongue and wind from my lungs are held captive somewhere else. I open my mouth to speak even when alone and I cannot. 

Did I want it so bad that God himself has censored me from ever asking again? Did what I desire slip from this reality into another? Erasing it's very knowledge from the realm that we currently call reality? 

What is it? What is this thing? If I can't say it. If I can't express it. Do I truly know what it is? What does it feel like? Have I already touched it? Am I strong enough? Do I deserve it? No one can answer these questions for me. Because even I'm not sure any longer of what it is. 

No one believes me. No one has ever wanted it. Even when they speak of it they can all agree. And what they agree to is only in a story book written a millennia ago. They don't actually know it's all the emperor's new clothes to them. 

It is a vessel for pride and drive. It enhances wisdom and happiness. And I can no longer perceive it. I walk alone in a crowd. But they don't use it. So I don't walk in crowds anymore. I cry out for it but it only appears that I cry. 

Is it something that you fight to get? Is it something that fights to get you? Do you fight to keep it? Does it fight to get away from you? I fought until I forgot and lost the ability to know why I raised up arms and against what. I must have died because I cannot focus on what it is. But I know the thing is lost. 

“For the warriors of Illium were those most powerful and fell.” “They were those born of winter." 

A fragment I'm lead to believe that is part of the original Iliad. I think it was said of the Spartans. I envy them. It never left them. It never left their lips. And they never doubted it. It visited them on the eve and the dusk of the battle. Born of Winter. But I was born of summer....

~~~~~~~~ 

I worked in the IT field for a time. I've seen many magic tricks and I always got IT. Some of the most mind bending movies Dune, Interstellar, Tenet, I always understood them I always got IT. 

But now when I need it most IT eludes me and I'm reminded of the night I lost my virginity. When she turned to me and said "That's not IT"....