Waning wish of a Mage

F.Y.I. of a "Waning wish of a Mage"

Inspired by me. It came to me as a story. 

Part fiction part biographical. 

Which parts are which you may ask? I'd say you're just being nosy and maybe you should figure it out, LOL. 

Written from the end. 

A Birth certificate to mark the beginning. 

A whole lot of chapters as years in-between.

Waning wish of a Mage

Author James Ray the Phantom Texter

Just a secret between me and you and anyone else who reads my work, which means no one. From the month of September until the end of February I desperately want to swallow a bullet. For the past 10 years. The start time and end time ebb and flow like the tide of a river. But it never changes. I don't sleep. My thoughts are dark.

And before you think it, there's nothing that can be done. It's just the way it is. Over the 10 years it's gotten worse. There's very little reprise from these trials. And this last trial was amazingly brutal. There's not much shelter in this reality for someone like me. And what little there was has all but disappeared. I can guess your words of optimism. But you never understood my faith. And none of that optimistic well wishing is my faith. You don't know my religion.

In the religion I believe in, it's absolute. In this religion I have another name all Mages do. A secret name, a spiritual name. And with that names knowledge goes a contract that binds. I gave that name to someone and I was betrayed by them with it. And for that sin I will most likely never be forgiven. And again I can sense what you're thinking. But there's nothing you can do. It's just the way it is. I've written so much. So many clues. In the hopes that someone would read and understand. It was a foregone conclusion, but due to the fact that I have the time, it's mine to waste.

I'm pretty unsure what comes in the next incarnation. I can only hope that I'll be allowed to begin again. That, maybe I'll find others like me and find strength. Here I can see the many strings of reality and probability. I can see the pathways. I know where they lead. This world won't last much longer than me. But as I say there's nothing that can be done. It's just the way it is. I made a mistake. I thought I could change things. I trusted because I wanted my vision to be true. That's not how that works. I accept that now. But the damage at least to myself has been done.

This is of course the closest I've ever come to actually saying it out right and thereby committing yet another blasphemy. But I suspect I'm on solid footing. Because just like my writings, no one believes me anyway.

I wanted you to know. I needed you to know. Or more to the truth. I needed the words to be said. Even if it was more ritual than anything else. A simple casting of some spells always starts with an incantation. The truth is nothing more than an incantation of a spell that must be weaved. But that doesn't guarantee its belief.

I am very sure I do not want to survive the next trial. As I said, this last one was brutal. I would have died of my tears of pain long ago if I had any tears of pain left to cry. But after I'm gone and the questions are formed I need for someone to have a record. Maybe then I'll be believed. Hopefully then it'll just be the end of this hellscape on my way to Heaven. One can always hope.

So here we come to the part I guess I should add to my confession. The only thing of a last Will and Testimony I can give. Find a way to do something with my worldly possessions. Do with them as you wish. Your judgment is as is good as mine ever was. If more than a few people show up at the end I trust you'll know what to say to them. Again your judgment over mine. Mine really won't matter at that point. So you don't have to worry about my objections, my dearest Trinity.

These words come early before the trial. Because I already feel the odd stirrings beginning. Long ago I stopped saying that this can't happen. It can and it will. But as I look out on another hopeless sunset I'm not sure I want to let the trial take me again. Whatever the case, whatever the outcome, this will find you. If it hasn't already and then understanding will blossom. There's nothing that can be done. It's just the way it is.

I should have met you first. Before I was bound by name to the demon. Before my blasphemy caused my damnation. I should have met you first... But I was blessed to meet you at all. It's a mercy that I do not overlook nor do I take it for granted.

No matter the outcome I ask one thing of you. On the first evening of a beautiful sunset go to that place where we first met. At the edge of the overlook, say my name. You will know what it is by then. Say my secret name and bind me to your memories. And what magic I have be yours.

My darling Trinity. Be well....