The Thursday night AA meeting

Ok people, I think we have time for one more share. As you all know we only get better with the support of the group. Would anyone else like to address the group and share?

I'd like to say a few words.
Hi my name is James. 

Hi James!

I've been off the stuff for about 5 years now. At first it was all I could do to just sit upright in the mornings. But I'd like to say today that sitting up isn't the worst of it. I still get the shakes. I still don't sleep. My appetite is all over the place. And I'm prone to spontaneous tears in public with no warning. Long nights holding onto a bottle. Not sure whether to drink it or use it to bash myself over the head with.

I've lost my friends and family and I've had to change my job. Even me and my old truck have gone our separate ways. Aside from the lack of sleep my health is the only thing I'm still holding on to. And as of yet I still have no sponsor. It would seem they're all back on the stuff.

I don't have to tell you guys the amount of people who blow you off because they think that they understand what you're going through. Or about the ones who are heavy users who don't think it's a big deal because they think they can do without. You know the ones, "I can quit anytime I want!" The religious ones who say God has a plan, the materialistic ones that suggest buying your way out of it. Sobriety is a lonely monster that must be fed.

I can't even go out on my own terms because that would mean getting back on the stuff and going out having the time of my life. I know I was on some bad stuff. But it was the stuff I had. It was the stuff I wanted! And I know being clean is a godsend. But it hurts sooo much. I'm not sure which is worse because it feels like sobriety is going to kill me. And not in that "He got clean and lived the rest of his life in prosperity" kind of way. 

When I was using everyone thought I was soo happy. Always surprised by the new things that I would do and try. Now that I'm sober they just think I'm anti-social. Always so sad or so angry. So introspective. "Why don't you go out." "Stop living inside your head." "No one has to have that stuff." They are so wrong! I need it! I know I'm sober, now. But I still feel the withdrawal pains. I still remember being on it and wanting it even now. Sobriety just doesn't feel like it's for me.

I thank God everyday I survive sobriety. And I still try to stay strong in it. It's just never been that easy for me. You know, it's a cold hard world out there. I'm looking for a way out. Anyway, thanks for letting me share.

Ok guys, I think that's all the shares we have time for tonight. There's liquor, donuts, drugs and coffee in the back. Let's get some of the new people to help us fold up the chairs and see you all the next time we meet here for the Affection Anonymous group meeting. Good night.